This article was submitted by Jillian Pih, the 2021 Gim Hong and Sun Woo Lee Memorial Award as the top college senior. She graduated from the University of Southern California with a Bachelor of Art’s Degree in communications.
“Mei-Mei, pour the tea for Po-Po and Gung-Gung,” asked my 80-year-old grandmother to the 10-year-old me. Nervously obeying, I spun the Lazy Susan until the alabaster ceramic teapot was within arm’s length. Fears of spilling the tea in front of my extended family zipped through my mind. Eight pairs of eyes were glued in my direction, eagerly watching to see if I would bring honor to my family. With one final deep breath, I began pouring. Then suddenly, tiny waterfalls of dandelion gold liquid cascaded down the sides of the ceramic teacup, overflowing onto the crisp white linen tablecloth.
“…perhaps I was not aligned with my Chinese culture…Had I become a Twinkie, yellow on the outside, but white on the inside?
Jillian pil
Those faces that were once anticipating my successful tea-pouring were now shocked with disgust, disbelieving what had just transpired. I was mortified. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks. Did I really just do that? Trying to cover up my incompetence and lack of grace, I soaked up the moisture with my napkin, but my efforts proved ineffective. I hoped to conceal my embarrassment through laughter and a sweet smile, but my uncle mockingly murmured, “Looks like someone disgraced her family.” The others nodded in agreement. It became clear to me that perhaps I was not aligned with my Chinese culture, since accurate tea pouring was not a top priority for me and my immediate family. Had I become a Twinkie, yellow on the outside, but white on the inside?
Truth be told, ever since I was a child, my life has always straddled two worlds, two cultures: my Cantonese background from my Chinese-born mother and my adopted American lifestyle from my American-born father. Whenever I was with my traditional Chinese relatives on my mother’s side, I was apprehensive that I would act “too Americanized.” Likewise, when I was with my non-Chinese peers, I was apprehensive that I would act “too Chinese.” For example, although delicious, my school lunches of pork dumplings and pressed tofu certainly did not help me to fit in as an American! Growing up, I strove to find the proper balance between accepting Chinese traditions and being well-adapted to American culture. This is still a difficult task.
However, over the past couple of years, I have gained a deeper understanding of the interplay of both cultures, and its impact on who I am. For a school ancestry project, I peppered my mother (Jerri Pih) and grandparents (Chew and Howly Hoi) with questions related to their hardships in China as well as their immigrant life. Leaving China and all familiarities behind, my grandparents had to forge a new path here in America, and for that I must gratefully acknowledge their sacrifice. There was the sacrifice of my grandfather, Chew Hoi, working swing shift to earn a couple extra dollars for the family. I knew that they wanted to raise a family in America where there would be more opportunity for prosperity and freedom. Had it not been for their grit, hard work and perseverance, my life would not be as it is currently. This is the reason why I continue to be grounded in my humble beginnings, appreciating Chinese tradition, which is the root of my existence.
A recent trip to Gung-Gung’s village in rural China increased my appreciation for my grandparents’ courageous efforts. Stricken by poverty, the village lacks electricity and running water, even today. Instead, chickens pecking at grain scraps are still a common sight, along with water buffalo wallowing in rice paddies. Some farmers tend their crops, while others collect fish drying on nearby racks, a luxury for a villager’s typically modest meal. Immigrating from such poverty demonstrates my grandparents’ resilience and drive to better not only their own lives, but that of future generations. Indeed, their character traits have become weaved into my identity.
Although I may never be proud of my Chinese tea pouring ability, I will happily embrace my ethnic culture. I have discovered that assimilating to American customs does not eliminate or lessen my ties to my Chinese background. Rather, as I thoughtfully integrate myself into two very different cultures, my diverse perspective on the world is magnified. With recent events and hate crimes against Asian Americans, specifically Chinese Americans, I have learned to be more than just the “model minority.” I continue to proudly embrace my ethnic culture and desire to do my part to break down existing social barriers and dismantle systemic racism. I hope to continue to share my family’s story with others and that we can all learn and grow together.
