This article was submitted by Samantha Wu, a student at Mt. San Antonio College majoring in business administration. She is the granddaughter of Pei Huang.
When I was a junior in high school, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Even before the words were officially printed on paper, I was constantly thinking of, ironically, how I thought too much about irrational fears.
My world was split into two– a girl who was a high achiever who could withstand any problem and a girl who fell victim to her overbearing thoughts and anxiety.
As an anxious teenage girl, I did what anxious teenage girls do best– isolate themselves completely from the world. With my anxiety, I attempted to detach from my problems, and bury myself in extracurriculars and AP classes– things I had control over. Instead of facing my problems, I turned away, hoping that if I turned back one day, my anxieties would magically disappear.
Before my anxiety issues emerged, I had struggled with two different worlds.
Facing Two Cultures
As an Asian American, I have faced countless situations where I was forced to choose between my two cultures. When I moved to La Verne, a city 30 miles east of Los Angeles in the Pomona Valley, where Asians composed less than 10% of the population, from Temple City, a city 15 miles east of Los Angeles, and Asians are a majority, I was torn between these two worlds – Asian and non-Asian America. In La Verne, there were no 99 Ranch markets or packed dim sum restaurants within walking distance. Instead there was a Panda Express and a single aisle in an American grocery store titled “Asian Food.”
In La Verne where my Asian culture was so far out of reach, I struggled to identify where I fit. Most of my peers were a different race and ethnicity than me, and the ones who were Asian seemed so sure of which world they were in, whether it was their Asian or American side. I had never been ashamed of my Asian heritage, yet I had never been placed in a situation where being Asian meant being in the minority.
Seeking Help
I struggled to make friends who truly understood me, but I think the truth was: I didn’t really understand myself. Before this, I had never considered therapy, but after weeks of constant anxiety attacks, I finally booked my first session.
After expressing my feelings, my therapist suggested looking at my anxiety through a different lens, and seeking a way to redirect my thinking. Instead of looking at anxiety as something that created two versions of me, I realized that both versions were just… me.
The same overthinking that I considered burdensome and anxiety attack-inducing also led me to innovating ideas for school projects. With this in mind, I resolved to maximize my time during my first year at Mt. San Antonio College in Walnut, exposing myself to my intended career path. As a business administration major, calculated risks are integral to success, which directly conflicts with my anxious insistence on concentrating on irrational fears. Yet, I realized that the same irrational overthinking that hinders me could be applied to generating ideas for my pursuits.
Innovative Thinking
I applied this mentality to my role as secretary in Mt. SAC’s business club. As secretary, one of my main responsibilities is liaising with other clubs to plan collaborations or speaker events. Typically, the thought of possible failure would deter me, but instead I pitched an idea to collaborate with other clubs, such as the philosophy club, to create a presentation about the reasoning behind the moral obligations of successful business leaders. Since then, collaboration has become a regular aspect of club activities, introducing students to the varied applications of business.
I applied this same mentality to my cultural identity. While I felt like being Asian American tore me in two directions, I realized that there was only one direction. I could celebrate my Asian culture as well as my American one. I didn’t need to fit into a genre of Asian-America where I chose one part of my identity, but instead, recognized that both parts made me who I am. My cultural identity will never be a yes or no question, but an open ended one.
Yet, my journey with my identity is not one that needs to be taken alone. At Mt. SAC, I joined a program called ARISE, which focused on creating a safe space for Asian Americans on campus through initiatives and activities geared towards Asian Americans. Through this program, I met many different people, who also come from mixed backgrounds and struggled with finding a place in multiple worlds.
While my battle with anxiety and my identity may not seem related, they have made me the person I am today – an overachieving, over-thinker who loves both the honey walnut shrimp from Panda Express as well as cheung fun from a local dim sum restaurant.
